The Holmans

Well hello friends and family! It's been a little while hasn't it? I'll try to make a long story short but here's what's been going on in the last 4 years and the reason I stopped posting:

1. MAJOR DEPRESSION. I've experienced minor depression for a long time. I knew what it was, I knew that it would pass, and it always did. But, around the beginning of 2015 things felt different. By then I had been a stay at home mom for 5 years. Maya was 5 and cade was 1 1/2 (half years are important in kid world). I'm not a psychologist but I do know that I struggled with post-partum depression with both of my kids. With Maya it gradually eased up after almost a year. It wasn't until the very end of it that I finally realized it was post-partum depression and anxiety and it helped me get myself out of it. (I haven't forgotten all of the wonderful people in my life who also helped me when I was losing it.)

The post-partum I experienced with Cade was similiar to what I experienced with Maya. The difference this time was that I recognized what it was. I asked and accepted more help and I thought that it would slowly get better. It didn't.

It was a lot more difficult to get out of the house when Cade was born because he was a winter baby. Maya handled it well for being 4 years old. But gradually I became more and more isolated at home. I wasn't sleeping well and I was exhausted, angry, discouraged and hopeless. I told myself that I was a terrible mom because I rarely made any effort to get the kids outside. When we would go places like the grocery store or the library my anxiety would go on full blast. I worried about losing sight of the kids, I worried about something terrible happening to them. I had no tolerance for the times they would whine and cry. I would get angry then feel guilty for getting angry at my sweet little children.

I have an amazing husband who took over everything. He would go to work, come home and make dinner for the kids. He's try to get them out of the house if he could. He would make sure they were bathed, read to and put to bed each night. After all of that was done there were many times that he would be an ear when I would vent or cry hysterically. This went on for years and I felt like it would never end. I felt hopeless, lonely, sad, ashamed an guilty.

As the time started to approach for Cade to start kindergarten I was beginning to realize and accept that I was in an extremely dark place and I needed help. I was going through the worst depression I had ever experienced in my life. The isolation I felt being a stay at home mom for 9 years affected me more that I realized. The more isolated I felt, the more withdrawn I became. Going to family events (before Covid) gave me the worst anxiety even though I knew that my family loved me more than anything and would have done anything to help me.

The summer before kindergarten I started looking for jobs at schools that were in our school district. I found one as a part time secretary at a middle school very close to me. I was very excited to get back into the world and to start feeling like a human being again. The night before Cade's first day of school I suddenly broke down in tears. I knew that it was the last night that I would be a stay at home mom and the last night before my baby was in elementary school. I couldn't stop crying! The day to day emotions of motherhood can be a roller-coaster. Becoming a mom is the most difficult thing I've ever done. I don't think anyone can prepare you for how drastically your life will change.

Anyway, Cade started school and loved it. Maya is so incredibly smart and she was doing well. As for me, the heaviness I carried for so long started to ease up. The day that I realized that things were finally getting better was an October morning in 2019 while I was driving to work. The sun was just coming up over the mountains and the fall colors looked so beautiful. As I was taking it in I suddenly realized that I was seeing beauty in the world. Just a simple 5 minute drive to work and I was crying happy tears this time because I was able to see the beauty in that morning.

Life was feeling better and improving. Then March 2020 hit. School was dismissed for the rest of the year and I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't want to be home. I didn't have confidence that I could provide the educational support that my kids needed. I was so incredibly sad and upset that the moment things were looking up the world got turned upside down.

I ended up back on antidepressants. I hated them. I wasn't sad, I wasn't happy. I did my best to put on a good face for my kids but after a while I barely got out of bed. I figured we couldn't go anywhere anyway because of Covid restrictions so I wasted that whole spring and summer just lying around in bed. I ordered unhealthy food almost every day for the kids and myself because I wasn't going to the grocery store. And the medication I was on made me feel indifferent to everything. I gained 75 pounds. Slipped back into depression. Was so relieved that I could use Covid as an excuse not to go anywhere. Looking back on it I can see how sad and frustrating it must have been for my kids and Dave.

So, I finally starting meeting with my therapist again. (She is amazing and I am so grateful for all that I learned from her.) My doctor of 15 years retired and I decided that I didn't want to be on the antidepressants anymore because my quality of life didn't change, I just didn't feel anything. So, new doctor, new set of eyes and ears, and new start without meds.

Anti-depressants didn't work for me. I think they made it worse. I have been off of them for almost 5 months and I am so glad. Going back to work helped a ton although the 2020 school year was still tough for me. The pandemic has affected everyone and I am still working through a lot of anxiety.

Today is 10/12/21. I am in a really good place. I am a really good mom. I'm a good wife. I love my life and these 3 weirdos that I share it with. Dave is doing well at work. He grew a beard and it looks great on him. Cade is in 2nd grade and loves school so much. Maya is in 6th grade and she goes to the middle school that I work at. She is an amazing reader and constantly scores way above her grade level. I love working at the middle school. I love the ladies I work with and I really enjoy interacting with the kids and supporting the teachers (Lord knows they need it right now). Things aren't perfect and that's ok. I am finally losing weight and I am looking forward to being healthy again.

Before I end this long post I'll let you know why I'm back to this blog. I deleted my Facebook account during the elections. When I would log on and see some of the things that people I love dearly were posting I would find myself in a negative head space. I wasn't talking to certain people on purpose. Finally I asked myself why I would participate in a social media site that made me mad and sad all the time. So Facebook was the first to go. Then I started feeling the same way whenever I logged on to my Instagram. I highly recommend cutting the cord if you still have those apps. I feel a lot more optimistic and hopeful when I'm not seeing the constant negativity. I'm also much more present with these little people who matter the most to me.

I'm going to end this for now. Talking about my experiences is important to me and it helps with my healing. I know that I am not the only person who has gone through this. If you need support please reach out. I love you all and I will start updating photos as well.

Thanks for loving me. Thanks for understanding. I wish you all the best and I will talk to you again soon.

SHANDIE